I’d say I had a very normal high school experience. Sports, staying up too late on school nights with friends. It was a happy time, it felt as if the world was at my hands. I could do anything I set my mind to or be anyone I wanted. Afterwards however, things got dark and I got lost, here’s my story. Read it, digest it and let it sink in, or not, whatever.
I don’t necessarily remember exactly when my life took a pummeling downward path but I know where I can start. It was a hot summer night, not the breezy kind but the kind that feels suffocating. I was riding in the backseat of my friend's jeep on the way to a casino about an hour out. Driving was my friend Mark, passenger rider was Adam and rider is exactly what he was. I was laid out across the backseat that smelled of cigarettes and week old gym socks. I wasn’t necessarily tired, just drunk and the warm winds from outside made me feel sicker than I already did.
I hear the jeep slowing down to a stop. Mark reaches around to face me in the backseat with something held firmly between his thumb and pointer finger. As the stop light illuminated the car I saw a white shiny substance almost resembling a crushed diamond. He said, “c’mon a little of this before we get there, just snort it”. Confused, incoherent, and already fighting to stay awake I inhaled the white powder disregarding any gut feelings or logic. The world was brighter and seemed as if I had complete control of any and everything that may have been thrown my way. I felt alive in a way that felt invincible and knew it couldn’t be good, but hell that was just the start.
Through my high and superhuman feelings, I noticed my drunkenness had faded and I was sober. Walking into the casino I saw lights brighter than they normally were and I felt unstoppable. We won and lost just as anyone does whilst gambling but I didn't care in that moment. Managing to leave with more money than we came with, we headed back to Dallas, TX. Making plans along the way because we were all on cloud nine we decided to go to Six Flags at 6 a.m. I had all the energy in the world so I went right on along.
As the sun arose the heat set in and I started feeling sick. Somehow I already knew what I should do to press on, though I felt a deep pit in my stomach knowing what I was doing was wrong. Yet I used some of the white substance and was sailing with the winds once more. I remember that 24 hours like yesterday, and probably will always have that night/day engraved in my memory like stone. By the time we made it back I was sobering up once more and knew I had to sleep even if it was for just 20 minutes. I laid down trying to block out the sound of my heartbeat that was beating in my brain like a bass drum and I finally drifted off to sleep.
After about a day and a half of sleeping and feeling on the brink of death I was back to my normal self. I could eat, sleep, and function again. However, I wanted more even though I felt sick and knew it was wrong the only thing I could think about was that white death. Gathering my money together along with my friends we set out to get it once more. We had several nights that I don't necessarily remember exactly what I had done but I do know I grew more and more addicted, that I know for sure. I found myself doing whatever it took to get more and when I say whatever it took I mean it in the most surest form.
I couldn't exactly tell how far gone I was until one vital night. The most embarrassing and regretful night of my entire life. It was in the late night, early morning after all of the white death had left mine and all of my friends system. We wanted more, me most of all and we were all out of money. In the depths and dark places of my brain I came up with the plan that would forever change me. My friend and I set out into the night to a place I once worked at and was owned by someone who my family and I had a lot of love and respect for. Unfortunately I had the key, the code, and the devil all in my head and hands that night. I remember walking up to the place thinking "what the hell am I doing?" but it didn't matter in that moment because the drug took over and I wasn't myself anymore. We left the place with money that wasn't ours but money that we would surely spend on one thing. Regretfully the money quickly went from a piece of paper to a toxin into our blood stream and there yet again, was nothing left.
The next day after the fog was gone and my head cleared was the longest day ever. I spent most of that day in fear. Fear of the police, fear of myself, and fear for my family. I knew what I had done wasn't something that I'd get away with but it was a mere thought that I had to tuck away and go to work with. I remember working the day sweating and throwing up in a constant cycle waiting for the rain to come. It was around 10:00 p.m. when I got the call I was dreading. Dreading so much in fact that when I saw my moms name pop up on my phone I almost passed out. Instead of facing my demons I ran from them, ran from the police in 3 different cities and hid wishing the things I had done the night before would just wash away with the tears that stayed flowing.
As much as I wanted the things I had done to wash away, they wouldn't. The next day I did something that was hard for me but was probably harder for my family. I came home to my mother waiting for me at the door. With a look on her face that I never want to see again she asked me "What are you on and what's going on" she looked broken. How does someone answer that? If I answer truthfully then my my family becomes disappointed and I may have to leave. If I answer with a lie then I'm stuck in this lifestyle that will most definitely put me in jail or in the ground. So I told the truth, for the first time in awhile I felt as light as a feather. I was told to either fix myself or be sent somewhere to have this problem fixed. So being the stubborn, hard-headed person I was I chose to take this head on by myself.
To be continued...